Day 10

I read somewhere that it takes 66 days to form a new habit. In the interest of getting into the habit of blogging regularly, I plan to publish one post a day for the next 66 days, finishing up on October 13, 2020. Content-wise, each day's post can include anything that crosses my mind and that I hope will spark something in yours, whether poetry, prose, art, or the occasional rant. Here's to 66 days of finding something to say :)

For Day 10, a post about....well, me.

 

Today, I'm fulfilling one of my biggest small dreams: blogging in a coffee shop. If you've read enough trashy fanfiction and/or coffee shop AUs, you'll understand why I'm *slightly* thrilled at this prospect. Just...the vibes, dude. The uniquely coffee-shop vibes. Essence of Chill Productivity. Eau de Work. A focused attitude that could not be more unlike the "hustle" culture of relentless millennial productivity that is never more than a couple steps from burnout. A hum of quiet conversation and the smell of coffee beans in the background. Chill music (which I'm blocking out with headphones and my indie folk playlist, but, like, it's the thought that counts.)There's a mom playing board games and eating muffins with her two kids at a table just opposite me and I'm falling in love with all of them just a little more every time I covertly glance over. 

Of course, now that I'm in the perfect setting, I have nothing substantial to actually say. Life.

Fortunately, there is subject matter that I always carry with me (because I have no choice): Me. 

I've said comparatively little about myself the entire time I've had this blog. Part of that is because this blog isn't really about me: it's about the writing process, mostly, with a few other things thrown in. And a large part is because I don't want to give any creeps lurking on the internet the chance to track me down and kill me. Given that my readership consists of like two of you on a good day, I realize that this is somewhat presumptuous. Indulge me. 

But the most important reason for my lack of self-revelation (yes, even more so than watching out for hypothetical creeps) is, quite simply, that I hate self-revelation. 

I've perfected the art of answering "How are you?" with "Better now!" *looks significantly at the other person* or some other variation of an answer that deflects the focus back to the other person, especially when I'm clearly not okay but don't want to talk to them about it. Ironically, those situations would probably be the times I most need to reach out to someone. But why would I ever do that when pushing them away is so much easier?  

This, ladies and gents, is only the first stop in our exclusive tour of Clara's Vast and Terrible Museum of Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms! Now just this way, folks, where next we'll view Clara's habit of reaching out to others to avoid thinking about her own issues...

Whew. Too much? Well, so am I. Heh.

I've always been more comfortable talking about what I've created or achieved, or what I'm thinking about or researching at any particular time, than what I'm feeling or how a situation is affecting me. That in large part stems from being uncomfortable with feeling any emotion too strongly. That in turn comes from feeling every emotion too strongly whenever I let myself feel them. I'm an empath (according to the uncontested wisdom of a myriad of internet quizzes and conversations with friends): I don't sympathize with people as much as I feel their pain like a physical ache in my chest. Which, frankly, is exhausting. So I limit my circle to as many people as I can handle interacting with on any given day in terms of residual emotions I will pick up without being able to help it, ideally with time to de-escalate and process after each interaction. And it ends up being a pretty small circle. Which can be lonely and frustrating and isolating. Aarrrghh...

I wouldn't have it any other way, though. The same hypersensitivity that can leave me completely drained after prolonged conversation with a particularly animated person allows me to write believable characters and situations by tapping into how the person made me feel and writing out of that discomfort. Knowing that emotional overload looms on the horizon has made me more intentional, choosing to spend time with people who enrich my life instead of those who "use up the air in the room", figuratively speaking. I'd like to think it's made me more perceptive, considerate, and an overall nicer person to be around. At least I hope so. Honestly, Covid-19 has been quite the godsend when it comes to socializing, at least for me. You mean I can have a constantly valid excuse not to see people? Hallelujah.

So there it is, the constant push-and-pull between needing people and not being able to stand them in large doses. Life is full of juxtapositions, and when we see someone who's mastered the art of tiptoeing the ragged edge of disaster between two extremes, we call them a well-adjusted human being.

This didn't end up being the light-hearted "all about me" post that I intended when I started writing, but I hope it's given you a glimpse (however brief and muddled)of the girl behind the keyboard. It's been a wild ride so far--thanks for sticking around this long.

Till tomorrow,

Clara

 

 

 

 

Day 9

I read somewhere that it takes 66 days to form a new habit. In the interest of getting into the habit of blogging regularly, I plan to publish one post a day for the next 66 days, finishing up on October 13, 2020. Content-wise, each day's post can include anything that crosses my mind and that I hope will spark something in yours, whether poetry, prose, art, or the occasional rant. Here's to 66 days of finding something to say :)

For Day 9, I want to share about a project that's been in the works for...years. It's very close to my heart :)

 

I don't understand why so many coming-of-age movies and books romanticize high school. High school sucked. But Clara, the bright and critical reader who has read ahead in this post challenges,you literally wrote a musical about high school. To which I say: Touche. Ya got me. If you look back at that first sentence, however, you'll soon realize that it's not high school itself I have an issue with,but rather the unrealistically rosy picture of high school often portrayed in so many stories. I admit that my own writing on the subject can seem unnecessarily dark,maybe in subconscious-yet-direct retaliation to this particular overused trope. Who's to say.

The germ of the idea that led to writing Shadows the musical came from my own high school experience. I struggled with some mental issues as a high-school freshman, some of it the normal hormone-fueled angst that is a rite of passage for adolescence, some of it severe anxiety and depression that persisted well into my college years (I finally started counseling for it senior year of college. Long story beyond the scope of this post. Therapy's great; y'all go get some if you need it.)

Anyway, back to Shadows. It started with a couple lines popping into my head (which eventually made it into the title song): Though the monsters on the walls are only shadows / They're closing in on me from day to day. Dismal? Well, yes. But accurate? Also yes. And especially to the high school experience, in my opinion. So many of the worries and fears ("monsters") we experience during high school are "shadows", intangibles born out of our own imaginings, or at least enhanced by them. I dare you to list one problem from high school that still bothers you today. The problems in our heads are far worse than the ones we interact with in the real-world. 

And so many things in high school are built up as important, all-or-nothing issues... but only during high school. Studying for a class matters...until the class is over. Then you never touch the information again. Busting your butt to ace the SATs matters...until you get the score you need. Then the material can fly out of your brain; you no longer need it. No one in college cares what you got on your SAT: you're all on the same sinking ship that is higher ed and the current struggle matters more than your past success. Being part of a particular social clique matters...until two days after graduation. Five years after high school the only interaction you'll have with some of your former "friends" will be when they try to recruit you for their direct-marketing scheme online. And I'm sorry in advance for that. 

Everything felt redundant in high school to me because, given enough time and distance, it was.

Shadows tells the story of a high-school senior, Adam, who in some sense is coming to terms with the ridiculousness of it all. He's tired of struggling to keep his place in the high school pecking order when it doesn't matter to him. After the sudden death of his estranged father in a car accident, Adam is left devastated. He and his father had just been beginning to mend their relationship over the past year, and now another foothold in his life has been ripped away. He can't accept that the death was an accident, going so far as to hire a down-on-his-luck private investigator(such a farcical, humorous character to write) to find evidence to the contrary . His outward struggles with being placed in a foster home following his father's death mirror his battles with the demons inside. Through a series of failures and an unlikely friendship with his Western Civ teacher, Adam learns to let go of the need to have all the answers. He learns that life goes on if it is lived, not merely deciphered from a distance.

Pretty hefty stuff. In retrospect, I probably should've cut a few supporting roles and minor plot arcs. I most likely will do so, but I can't bring myself to make those cuts just yet. 

Instead, today I want to share a couple of songs from Shadows the musical with brief explanatory notes. Here goes:

 

1. "Shadows"

The title song of the musical, sung by Adam shortly after his father's death. He has just been sent to his foster placement, thus the references to going "home again."

Adam:

The light fades from the sky

Leaving me alone in an endless night

When it’s dark, the monsters come to find me

When I’m all alone and out of sight

 

And though the monsters on the walls are only shadows

They’re closing in on me from every side

And nothing that I tell them makes a difference

There’s nowhere I can go to hide

 

[Chorus]:

Shadows, whispers, half-forgotten memories

That tell me everywhere is somewhere

And every day is now

Fighting, yearning, hoping, disbelieving

That tomorrow is another day

And I can go home again

 

The stars dance in the sky

Lighting up the dark of this endless night

Until the day dawns, I stand up alone

And I’m dancing with the shadows on the walls

 

And the monsters on the walls are only shadows

And they flicker as they fade away

And all I have to tell them doesn’t matter

Nothing that I tell them makes them stay

 

[Repeat Chorus]

 

Yeah, tomorrow is another day

The shadows come, the shadows stay

And I can go home again

And I can go home again

Home again

2. Absolutely Revolutionary

This song introduces the character of Alexander Kane, Adam's Western Civ teacher. It's his first year of teaching and this song captures his youthful idealism about the positive impact he intends to make. Whether he can live up to those self-imposed expectations is a different story (spoiler: he can't).  

Kane:

This morning I looked in the mirror

While tying my lucky striped tie

I flashed me a grin, before I begin

To begin again

This morning I smiled at the mirror

For the first time in a while

At the guy I saw standing there

How long has it been?

 

I remember when that guy was just a boy

Thinking that the world was mine for the taking

Playing like the world was just a toy

Like everything was mine for making and unmaking

 

Oh I’ve done my share of living

Of giving and forgiving

Of being and doing and striving to see what’s ahead

Oh I’ve done my share of wandering

Of reaching, searching, climbing

Of falling and landing on my feet again somehow

But not now

Not now

 

[Chorus]:

I intend to be absolutely revolutionary

I intend to be what I never was before

A rebel and a revolutionary

Now and forevermore

I open the door

 

Oh I’ve done my share of living

Of giving and forgiving

I used to think I knew what life had in store

I’ve done my share of sighing

Of falling, breaking, crying

Of spending the night hoping I’d live to see another dawn

But not now

Not now

 

[Repeat Chorus]

I open the door

I open the door

 

3. The Hunt is On

And finally, a bonus funny number to lighten the mood somewhat. J.D. Hennessy, the hilariously incompetent private investigator that Adam unwittingly hires, sings this high-energy song as soon as Adam is out of earshot in the waiting room in an attempt to get his overworked secretary Julia Finch on board with his impossible scheme. Intending to recover his reputation while providing Adam no actual assistance with a situation that the police have ruled as an accident, Hennessy is prepared to lie, cheat, and swindle his way to the top. This song is currently incomplete, but it will continue in much the same vein as the bit below:

Hennessy:

Don’t let him out the door

Till he’s signed on the dotted line

Don’t let him walk away

Till we’ve got some reward for our time

 

It’s been far too long, Finch

It’s been far too long

For a chief investigator

For a detective of incredible finesse

To be idle and distressed

To be bored –it’s unacceptable

Unbelievable, inconceivable—

Don’t let him out the door!

 

And I know you think I’m crazy

And I know you think we’re done

But believe me, Finch

Believe me now, when I say the magic words:

The hunt is on!

 

The hunt is on!

And you and I will be heroes

The shot is fired!

And we’re raring at the bit to go

This could be my chance

If I play it right

This could be the one big chance I’m given in this life!

 

And that's it for now! Hope y'all enjoyed this little snapshot into a project very near and dear to my heart. It's undergoing pretty extensive revision at the moment, but I hope to be able to share more in future.

 

 

Till tomorrow,

Clara  

Day 8

I read somewhere that it takes 66 days to form a new habit. In the interest of getting into the habit of blogging regularly, I plan to publish one post a day for the next 66 days, finishing up on October 13, 2020. Content-wise, each day's post can include anything that crosses my mind and that I hope will spark something in yours, whether poetry, prose, art, or the occasional rant. Here's to 66 days of finding something to say :)

For Day 8, I'm switching things up from writing to art, specifically calligraphy. 

 

By way of introduction,I recently bought a set of calligraphy markers in all colors (a welcome change from the black ones I had before!) and I've been looking for any excuse to use them. And by way of yet more introduction, one of my all-time favorite artists is Ryan O'Neal, popularly known as Sleeping at Last. The ethereal beauty of his instrumentation, the poetry in his lyrics, the sheer perfection that is his Enneagram EP--I may be slightly obsessed. And as a pianist, it's SO validating to hear the piano being used prominently (or even exclusively!) in much of his instrumentation. (Seriously, anyone who relegates the piano to the role of sad-sidekick-filling-in-background-chords or--heaven forbid--PERCUSSION ONLY should have all their pianos forcibly removed and replaced with lil' 10-key melodicas instead since that's all they need. Oh, and charged with crimes against humanity because honestly, the audacity.)

Ok, coming off of that impassioned tangent; it turns out that my moving to an apartment for law school this past week led to the perfect excuse a great reason to make some calligraphy to decorate my space with. And of course, what better to feature in my work than Sleeping at Last lyrics? I got a little carried away and made more than I could use for display, but thankfully, my little corner of the internet is bound by no such limits of space and/or taste. (And tbh I feel *slightly* apologetic about the caffeine-fueled disaster of a poem that was last night's post, so here's trying to make it up to y'all.)

Phew, introductions are finally out of the way. Now onto the main shindig:

First, my enneagram type song. Proud 5w4 here.

 

The first of two attempts at the song "Taste". I didn't end up using this one, but I like the two-color styling and will definitely be trying it again in future.

So the three above are the ones I ended up framing and displaying. I think they work well together since all three songs deal with life, from the living of the present moment to the end of a life well-lived to the transience of life as a whole. The three different starting pronouns (I, you, we) also add a nice touch, I think. One of those little details that contributes a sense of completeness to the three songs as a unit. A final, minor consideration was that my room decor ended up being mostly blue and purple, so these three fit right in with everything else.

Finally, one more that I didn't end up using (but loved the results of), and three salty short quips that I wrote out just for fun. They do make great reaction-images when you need to shut down a mind-numbing discussion in any unfortunate group chat you may be part of. You're welcome in advance.

I love the connecting letters here. And I want to sing this song to my first-born child someday--definitely give it a listen. #sentiment

  

"all due respect" = could be none. Ya never know.

Me @ every political conversation this election season #2020 #everyonedeservestolose #makepoliticsirrelevantagain

 

I do intend to use this one sparingly, but sometimes ya just gotta do what ya gotta do.

And there you have it, folks. I hope this post had as much entertainment value for y'all reading it as it did for me writing it.

My space is classy and decorated and color-coordinated for the cheap cheap price of almost no money (I did have to spend ~$5 on frames, but I got the cheapo plastic kind). If you've ever wanted to get into calligraphy but doubted your abilities, consider this a sign to get started. I learned exclusively from how-to books on hand-lettering and from copying fonts and labels that I thought looked cool. Pretty sure my technique is way off (which might explain why I have so much trouble making the letters evenly sized and spaced), but calligraphy is so fun and therapeutic and requires little equipment for big results. Try it out and you won't regret it. 

 

 

Till tomorrow,

Clara